Our Story:

When Deb (Landy) now Van Batenburg and I got married in 1989, we planned on having a family. Married at 38 years old both of us knew that biological kids may not be possible and indeed they were not. By 1993 we were on the adoption trail.

A little history; when I moved to Worcester in June of 1963 from Utah, I lost my Dad (too far away to visit), a few month later our President, then my best friend, Tom Lund’s Father died that same fall. 1963 was a bad year. My dad, Raymond died in 1971 when I was 20 years old. I had a few lessons in loss at a young age and those events in our lives really do shape who we are as I found out years later. It is not a coincidence that later on I would adopt two boys that had a lot of loss at a young age as well. Deb had a lot to do with it as you will see. 

Back to the adoption story, in 1995 I was eating a burger by myself at Wendy’s while Deb was away on business in California. As I stared at the paper placemat laying on that small red plastic tray I saw children’s faces staring back at me and an 800 number to call to get more information about these “Special Needs Kids” waiting for families in Massachusetts. Deb and I had already looked into adopting from either China or Russia, but these pictures of kids at Wendy’s were right here, almost in my back yard. I knew at that exact moment that that was what Deb and I (or at least I) were meant to do.  It was more than just growing a family; it was about taking care of what American society had not done, adopting one of our kids. Deb and I had no idea what we were doing, just that it felt like we were chosen for this work. The phone number put me in touch with the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE) and I got a crash course on how to go about adopting a child in foster care when I called them that afternoon. Some of what I learned was it was not a large financial commitment, just 500 bucks or so and that was refunded after you adopted. That was a far cry from the 20,000 dollars we were told at the agency that places kids from China or Russia. I also learned that Deb and I had to attend a class that was 10 sessions, once a week called MAAP, Massachusetts Approach to Parenting in Partnership. I signed us up and called Deb later that night to tell her that every Tuesday night we were busy, starting the very next Tuesday. Deb and I eagerly participated in that class and as we attended each session we had a much clearer picture as what were about to do. It truly was for us.

Years earlier when we were dating and the topic of discussion was "raising a family" Deb and I were in agreement that she would stay home and raise the kids. Most of the structural process was ironed out years ago before we tied the knot. This proved to be a good thing as there sure were plenty of the unexpected issues to deal with.

After the MAPP classes were over the State of Massachusetts (legal custodian of thousands of kids) did a “Home Study” that included checking my driving record. Seems like that was a problem as ten years earlier (they go way back) my 84’ Prelude, ’85 RX-7 and 85’ Honda 500 Interceptor were stopped many times for speeding with me behind the controls. In those days it was a fine and driving classes. Well I didn’t care much about the money and the classes were short (since then it has gotten much stricter). This fast driving was a problem for the State so we got a few letters written by prominent people and I swore I would be careful with kids in the car and we dodged that bullet. Looking back it was quite a process that we went through, all of it in the “unknown” category. Many months after my burger Deb, Lillian (her Mother) and I went to the MARE office in Boston to look through a book that had black and white photos, a first name and a short write up on each child in Massachusetts that was in foster care that could not return home. The identity of each child was protected. Deb and Lillian looked through the book while I visited with one of the men that worked at MARE. After a while I was asked to look at a boy named Michael. He was four years old, smiling and he matched our criteria. For those of you that have never been asked “what kind of child do you want?” let me tell you, that is a tough question. Boy or girl, what age, what race, mental or physical handicap, sibling group and more. Wait a minute, what about just having a little too much wine and nine months later we find out, what about that! No decisions, just some fun (at least for me, you might have to check with Deb on that one). Adoption is very intentional. It can’t happen unless both parents agree. It is a process that makes you learn more about yourself than you ever thought you would. It is as good for you as it is the child, maybe better. So slowly it went one more form, one more call or meeting until finally we met our son, “Mikey”. He was 5 years old then having had a birthday in May. At that time he was in foster care. Mike’s story is his own so when he is ready he will post it here. He is 19 today and for those that have seen him grow up it is a small miracle, yes the Van Batenburg’s believe in God.  Raising any child can make a believer out of you and Mike provided that motivation. Mike has moved out of the family home and is trying life on his own. he turned 19 on May 23. I have recently visited with his birth mother, Anna, for the first time and Mike met her in June of 2010. There is still lots of work to do.

In August, 2000 William was written up on the back of an adoption magazine mailed to us from Adoption Rhode Island. Deb and I had gone to many adoption related events to get support and learn more about parenting so we were on many mailing lists. Raising adopted kids is not the same as biological ones, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise. It is harder, it is tricky and it takes guts. All those “sweet as pie” stories you hear about adopted kids loving you at first sight because you have “Saved them”. That is a pile of crap. What is true is when they make a step forward it is deeply rewarding. William was proof of that. Once again it is his story so the details can be his job later to tell or not tell as he sees fit. Will, as he is called, was 15 when we saw his picture. A brother for Mike, a second son for us. We were not new at this. We met Will and he moved in on December 20, 2000 and turned 16 year old a few weeks later. After two very difficult years we adopted Will on January 15, 2002, two days before he turned 18. Today he is 25, father of an infant and living with his girlfriend. Life for him is stable but not successful. Not all foster kids make it. Life is tough and everyone needs a good start but not everyone will get one. Will and Mike’s lives are still being written. They love us and we love them as much as any family could. They are presently learning that "money and things" do not equal love.  Hard work and honesty are roads to success and families are worth working for. 

A tip on adopting a teenage boy; if you cannot restrain him by yourself for 15 minutes don't adopt him. You think I am kidding? Size counts. Don't misread this but for some kids to feel safe they need to be held. You will need mental and physical toughness.

This story will continue to be updated. For now Deb and I are advocating for more people to do the hard work of raising foster boys and girls. One thing sticks in my head that Mike's Foster Dad told me 14 years ago "With these kids you can do a great job and they can still do poorly in life. Just being a good Dad better be enough. Don't judge yourself on how they turn out". FAATCATS is a more public way of doing what a lot of people do everyday at home; provide love and understanding to teenagers that need some guidance. Please help us if you can.             

Updated 7/29/10   Picture above is left to right: Mike, Deb, Will, Craig at Cape Cod 2008

Craig Van Batenburg